Good bye 2018.
Reminiscing years ago…
WARNING – TRIGGER ALERT
Deadly conversations plagued her mind.
She was at war with her demons once again. When wasn’t she… the darkness had finally consumed her and took its toll. How she wanted it all to end. – Wondering if this would be the last time on earth if executed properly… Nevertheless she took to the internet and typed “how to commit suicide” in the search engine – the pages led to helplines.
To no avail did she want to ask for help.
This time in order for it to work she scoured all through the house for pills adding to them a concoction of alcohol.
There was no turning back now…
Swallowing all the despair,
Swallowing the shame,
Swallowing the disappointments,
Swallowing the failures,
Swallowing all the mistakes she had ever made…
She did not want to burden anyone anymore!!!
She left letters to all her loved ones because she didn’t want to be the one that dies and it couldn’t be explained. Knowing that those before her did not leave any messages what so ever – leaving the family and friends wanting answers. And leaving a void like a mystery never solved. Remember that if you commit suicide it not only affects you but also those that around and also to those that love you. So many people love you… To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.
Drifting slowly into a heavy sleep. The only memories was that the paramedic had told her to stay awake and she couldn’t. Hours later she had awakened – looking around there were Doctors and Nurses – very parched … she couldn’t get far as she was hooked up to an iv and a stint.
She was told that she would be moved to another hosp. she drifted into another heavy sleep again. Forgetting the time that went by. In and out of consciousness… as more days had passed awakened once again to a nurse sitting outside her door monitoring her in the Isolated ward PICU – Psychiatric intensive care units…
Psychiatric intensive care units
Psychiatric intensive care units provide mental health care and treatment for people whose acute distress, absconding risk and suicidal or challenging behaviour needs a secure environment beyond that which can normally be provided on an open psychiatric ward. Placed in low stimuli environment where they were no phones, strings and any other harmful substances that one may conspire and end their your life with. Foam chairs fake cutlery fake grass… Not like being in restraint like the pysch wards in America portray it to be: straight jackets like in American Horror Story. There are many stigmas and stereotypes.
Here in Australia there are different places for one to heal and recuperate in a safe place they are what is aforementioned the PICU, acute ward, extended treatment + rehab.
Terms and conditions of these wards are as follows:
The Mental Health Service provides assessment, treatment and support to people who have a mental illness. Services are provided depending on individual need and ranges from inpatient treatment to support in the community.
Acute inpatient services support people who cannot be assessed and treated safely and effectively in the community. General hospitals commonly provide acute inpatient services.
Acute inpatient services provide a range of therapeutic interventions and programs to patients and their families to learn more about the impact of the illness, explore ways to better manage the illness, improve coping strategies and move towards recovery.
All of the age-based mental health services – adult (16–64), child and adolescent (0–18) and aged persons (over 64) – also provide acute inpatient services for people who cannot be assessed and treated safely and effectively in the community.
These services provide voluntary and compulsory short-term treatment and care during an acute phase of mental illness.
Admission to an acute inpatient unit depends on the severity of the symptoms, the distress involved to the person and the risk of harm to self or others.
Acute Care Team (1300 MH CALL)
1300 MH CALL (1300 64 2255) 24-hour Specialist Mental Health Care
- Support.Access and availabilityReferrals can be made via telephone or in person during business hours at Ashmore Community Mental Health.
- Our team : The Gold Coast Mental Health Acute Care Team (ACT) provides the primary triage / intake role for people aged between 18–64 years 24 hours, 7 days a week.
- Your first point of contact for the Gold Coast Mental Health service providing education, support, information, advice, and referral. Our mobile assertive outreach crisis response team offers a range of short term options tailored to meet individual needs.
- Consultant Psychiatrists
- Consumer and Carer Consultant
- Psychiatric Registrars
- Psychiatric Nurses
- Social Workers
- Occupational Therapists
- Indigenous Mental Health Worker
- Administration Officers.
Extended treatment – continuing care
Extended Treatment Mental Health is an inpatient mental health facility with 16 single bedrooms providing specialised sub-acute care to people between the ages of 18 and 65 that have an enduring mental illness requiring prolonged treatment and further stabilisation following an acute episode.
The unit prepares people for discharge into the community or coordinates transfer to the Extended Rehabilitation Service. Client referrals are received from the Acute Adult Mental Health Units as well as from the Extended Rehabilitation Unit.
The Rehabilitation service is comprised of:
40 rehabilitation beds at Robina
32 rehabilitation beds at GCUH
Specialist Mobile (In reach) Rehabilitation Assessment Team
Community Rehabilitation Program
RH2S: 20 bed rehabilitation unit – stroke, neurological and orthopedics
RH2E: 20 bed general rehabilitation unit – stroke, neurological and orthopedics.
Gold Coast University Hospital
C5E: 28 bed neurological rehabilitation unit
C5W: 4 beds located within the Neurology unit – stroke rehabilitation
Rehabilitation Assessment Team: A multidisciplinary team providing assessment and commence rehabilitation intervention in the acute setting prior to the patient being either transferred to a designated rehabilitation bed or discharged home with the support of the Community Rehabilitation Program or other community based service.
Community Rehabilitation program provides a multidisciplinary community based rehabilitation program, delivered in the patient’s home or at the Robina Health Precinct. The benefits of providing rehabilitation care in the patient’s home include that people tend to be happier in their own environment and more likely to engage in rehabilitation exercises (e.g. walking, stair climbing) and social activity.
Rehabilitation outpatient services are provided through medical clinics, allied health ambulatory care services and specialist rehabilitation services at Robina Health Precinct, GCUH and some other community sites.
There she met many people. You can never judge a book by its cover. She came upon this…
She spent three weeks in a mental hospital and what i discovered there i feel should be put into words
We are not who you think we are…
The boy with turrets told the funniest jokes
The girl who raked her nails up and down her skin could create the most exquisite drawings
The girl who abused drugs had the wisest soul
The boy with schizophrenia had the biggest heart
The girl who tried to kill herself told the boy with insomnia stories to help lure him to sleep
The boy who wanted to kill himself had the deepest passion for cooking
The girl with slits and scars all over her body dried my tears and told me i was beautiful
The boy with anger issues gave the warmest hugs
The girl with bulimia told everyone every day that they looked beautiful in their bodies
The boy who was a compulsive lair told us that he wanted us all to get better, and that he was for once telling the truth
The girl who almost drank herself to death stood up for anyone that felt they were feeling bullied
The boy with social anxiety made sure nobody sat alone at meals
We are not who you think we are…
That they are not defined by their mental illness… It only is a part of them.
Back to the story her first ever admission… she drifted into a heavy sleep again. It was as if …
You know when those times you have woken up and feel heavy – but have not recollection of what you dreamt… she had the delusion that it was spirits weighing her down. But that is another story for another day. What she didn’t know was that if you take your own life – it is murder. So she was placed on an ITO (involuntary treatment order) and that you belong under the care of the government. Upon researching + please click the link if you want to know about the legislations ITOs and the Mental Health Act 2016 … …
CTRL + Click with mouse ….
In the nothingness of the time she spent r.e.m. she had a vivid dream that in the midst of darkness there was light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes people resented themselves because they had survived – others had a new lease on life … years went by and she had met a man on the bus. On her journey he had told her that drugs and his life style had messed him up. He overdosed and survived many other attempts – he really wanted to die but escaped death many times. He had a lot of resentment – he wanted to die. How could this be and why was he still here – were constant question he had asked. It is said that people who have attempted suicide have said they regretted their decision as soon as they jumped. Apparently after taking their life that 1 second they regret committing the act. Struggles are required in order to survive life because in order to stand up you got to know what falling down in like. When we take in a person’s pain like it’s your own then we can transform the systems that are failing us. Unfortunately with every action there are negative consequences with this is the Suicide Contagion or the Werthers Effect – courtesy of google. What does “suicide contagion” mean, and what can be done to prevent it? Suicide contagion is the exposure to suicide or suicidal behaviors within one’s family, one’s peer group, or through media reports of suicide and can result in an increase in suicide and suicidal behaviors. Direct and indirect exposure to suicidal behavior has been shown to precede an increase in suicidal behavior in persons at risk for suicide, especially in adolescents and young adults. The risk for suicide contagion as a result of media reporting can be minimized by factual and concise media reports of suicide. Reports of suicide should not be repetitive, as prolonged exposure can increase the likelihood of suicide contagion. Suicide is the result of many complex factors; therefore media coverage should not report oversimplified explanations such as recent negative life events or acute stressors. Reports should not divulge detailed descriptions of the method used to avoid possible duplication. Reports should not glorify the victim and should not imply that suicide was effective in achieving a personal goal such as gaining media attention. In addition, information such as hotlines or emergency contacts should be provided for those at risk for suicide. Following exposure to suicide or suicidal behaviors within one’s family or peer group, suicide risk can be minimized by having family members, friends, peers, and colleagues of the victim evaluated by a mental health professional. Persons deemed at risk for suicide should then be referred for additional mental health services. Similarly – the Werthers Effect is when a spike of emulation suicides after a widely publicized suicide is known as the Werther effect, following Goethe’s novel The Sorrows of Young Werther. The publicized suicide serves as a trigger, in the absence of protective factors, for the next suicide by a susceptible or suggestible person. It is a copycat suicide which is defined as an emulation of another suicide that the person attempting suicide knows about either from local knowledge or due to accounts or depictions of the original suicide on television and in other media.
Remember not to make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings or emotions. Suicide is a permanent decision. Even on some good days – you may still have suicidal tendencies or self-harm. It takes at least 6 weeks for broken bones to heal. It can take 12 weeks to recover from a major episode of mental illness. Of all the darkest days you have lived and survived. Why now… why now would you want to die. To be in that mindset – I know it’s a battle that you fight everyday but know this there are far far better things ahead than any you leave behind – C.S. Lewis. You can overcome and conqueror the demons. It does get exhausting and sometimes you feel defeated and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel – hence tunnel vision. There having the notion that a good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything. Smiling and laughing can have a positive effect on your well-being. You can start over each day. With each day neurogenesis is the process by which new neurons are formed in the brain.
Don’t lose faith – faith in which all things will work together for your good and don’t lose hope because there is hope in recovery. It is said that strength is found in the moments where you seem you can’t go on… You are strong. Yes you may be persecuted, but you are not forsaken, you may be cast down and not destroyed. There are blessings and curses life and death – always choose life. You are destined for better things and your mess becomes a message. A beacon of hope to those that are contemplating such. Don’t let the suicide contagion and the Werthers Effect assure you that you can kill yourself because that famous person or someone in your life did.
Overtime she learnt how to be resilient. At times people break down & it’s okay not to be okay. However it is not okay to stay that way. Train yourself to be your best on your worst days. Implementing self-care for not only your physical but mental health. You are not alone in your despair – trust me you are not alone. Sometimes it is hard to reach out and ask for help. Especially in times when you are under duress, Overthinking and having self-sabotaging thoughts, it just adds more fuel to the fire -Making it even worst. Another example as if walking on eggs shells or mine fields every day. With all these things added sometimes you can’t shake it off. This is where you must teach yourself self-care. That’s on another blog post. If you need to know some refer to CTRL + Click with mouse : Toolbox Twenty 17 – At Her Arsenal . Apply as many strategies in your tool box / arsenal + Distractions … so that if one method does not work you have other options. Try to have a routine and a sense of purpose.. Why be moody when you can shake your booty? For instance exercise produces endorphins feel good chemicals and is good serotonin and lessen cortisol … Also mindfulness, mediation just to name a few… Every time you have a bad day try something new to get better. Don’t give up because it looks bad right now… Just because you have had a bad day does not mean that you have a bad life. Every day may not be good but there is something good in every day.
You still have your best life yet … maybe that’s an affirmation you can say to yourself every day. Little by little – one step at a time – one day at a time – one travels far… Learn to see and appreciate your progress. One of the reasons why some people end up quitting is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have gotten. Often discouraged – congratulate and remind yourself that you aren’t where you use to be that eventually you will be where you are supposed to be.
Everyone knows something you don’t know. Surround yourself with people that get it. Those that push you to be better and greater. To those that understand …
Don’t lose hope because there is a time for everything and whatever the situation that you are in this too shall pass.
For everything there is an appointed time,
and an appropriate time for every activity on earth:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
time to plant, and a time to uproot what was planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to search, and a time to give something up as lost; 8
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to rip, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
She had lived many seasons – remember life is full of seasons. Every year learning a lot of things. This is what she learnt … walking away from 2018 with lessons, strategies, mantras and memories of people she’ll never forget. Over the years – In and out of hospital 8 times: She had survived having had an array of different antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, medications for side effects, meetings with mental health care professionals and there were many therapies.
Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be
recovery. – J.K. .
This year she learnt with the help of a psychologist – Acceptance commitment therapy (ACT).
The goal of ACT is to create a rich and meaningful life, while accepting the pain that inevitably goes with it. ACT is a good abbreviation, because this therapy is about taking effective action guided by our deepest values and in which we are fully present and engaged. It is only through mindful action that we can create such a life, we will encounter all sorts of barriers in the form of unpleasant and unwanted private experiences (thoughts, images, feelings, sensations, urges and memories. ACT reaches mindfulness kills as an effective way to handle these private experience.
The ACT interventions focus around two main processes:
- Developing acceptance of unwanted private experiences which are out of personal control.
- Commitment and action toward living a valued life.
There are 6 core principles of ACT. ACT uses six core principles to help clients develop psychological flexibility:
- Cognitive defusion: (watch your thinking) learning to perceive thoughts images memories and the cognitions as what they are nothing more than bits of language, words and pictures – as opposed to what they can appear to be – threatening events, rules must be obeyed, objective truth and facts
- Acceptance: (open up) making room for unpleasant feelings, sensations, urges and other private experiences allowing them to come and go without struggling with them running from them or giving them undue attention.
- Contact with the present moment: (be here now) bringing full awareness to you’re here and now experience, with openness, interest and receptiveness, focus on and engaging fully in whatever you are doing.
- The observing self: (pure awareness) accessing a transcend sense of self: a continuing of consciousness that is unchanging, ever present and impervious to harm. From this perspective it is possible to experience directly that you are not your thoughts, feelings, memories, urges, sensations, images, roles, or physical body. These phenomena change constantly and are peripheral aspects to you but they are not they essence for who you are.
- Values: (know what matters) clarifying what is most important, deep in heart what sort of person you want be: what is significant and meaningful to you; and what you stand for in this life
- Committed Action: (Do what it takes) setting goals, guided by your values and taking effective action to achieve them.
As she continually beat herself up with thinking the way that she had. Sometimes afraid to think – as she constantly questioned herself… Many questions like why does she think the way she does – why has she thought that way? ACT had helped her more than you will ever know. That she has accepted her thoughts whether they may be good or bad. For it is what it is. Also to agree to disagree with the voices havocking her mind. She now knows and acknowledges acceptance as means opening up and making room for painful feelings, sensations, urges and emotions. We drop the struggle with them, give them some breathing space, and allow them to be as they are. Instead of fighting them, resisting them, running from them or getting overwhelmed by them, we open up to them and let them be. (Note: This doesn’t mean liking them or wanting them. I simply means making room for them!). We see our thoughts for what they are – nothing more or less than words or picture. She had found that there are many outlets that one may peruse in trying understand why it is this way in regards to her mental health and having a mental illness. She was interested in Psychology, Neuroscience, self-help books and personal development books.
One of the most important lesson she learned in the past year is don’t let anyone turn you cruel no matter how bad you want to give the world a taste of its own bitter medicine. It’s never worth losing yourself over. Get better not bitter. Treat the world better than it treated you. Your words are a Mirror – What we say about others reflects on our own character. Specifically, when we speak unfavourably of others, it not only hurts the person our words are aimed at, but it also damages our credibility and reputation in the process. Richard Carlson put it this way: ” When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.” When we speak negatively about someone else, others often perceive it as a ploy for our own personal gain. When our words persuade others to our point of view as to the faults and shortcomings of someone who is not present, we are taking unfair advantage of that person. This holds true whether we’re talking about an individual, a group, or a business. Comes from the Little Things Matter. You can’t please everybody… Some people will love you for who you are. Some people will love you for what you can do for them and some people won’t like you at all. You do you do. Give them something to talk about. People are going to talk about you whether you are dead or alive, succeeding or failing, at your highest high and lowest low. Talk is cheap when it’s not spoken in love, don’t let reckless lips bring your value down. Don’t worry about other people’s opinions. Let people judge and let them misunderstood you. So have fun and give them something to talk about. Why they think of you isn’t’ your problem. So you stay kind mitted to love and free in your authenticity and no matter what they do or say. Never doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. You keep shining and let the haters hate. Just don’t let someone else’s opinion of you become a reality. When you know who you are other people opinions do not matter.
No one can make you inferior without your consent, – Eleanor Roosevelt.
Never take it personally. Words of others do not have to affect you.
Acceptance of your self is far more important than the acceptance of others. There is phrase don’t hate what you don’t understand… People have different levels of understanding. Listen to the intent to understand not just to reply. Always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God. Also see through the eyes of compassion and speak with the language of love. Also to have a heart that is understanding. God please give us courage to accept the things for what they are, but to never lose hope that things will get better.
Her heart cries out for those that have taken their lives… The future that they could of had… Now unknown. How she wished she could have saved them all. Some people are fighting a battle that we do not know about. Be kind to everyone. People often think people who had committed suicide that they are just a waste of a life. She hated seeing when people say suicide is a waste of a life. Nah what was wasted was the chance to ask if they were OK, or to be told they were loved. Though we can’t prevent every suicide, we can damn stop leaving it till it’s too late to listen to each other.
We cannot grow unless we are willing to change. You are what you do and not what you say you will do/ Actions speak louder than words. Don’t act a certain way because it’s convenient or is the path of least resistance. Act a certain way because it aligns with your values and because it’s consistent with the person you aspire to be. Anything is possible and anyone can change and evolve in their situation. Everyone’s Journey is different. Appreciate where you are in your journey. Even if it’s not where you want to be every season serves a purpose. Tell the story of the mountain you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone’s survival guide. – Morgan Harper Nichols. You can achieve awesome things. Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, remember how far you have come. You may not be able to control every situation and its outcome, but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it. She learned that silence just lets things fester for a long time – that if things get bad you need to speak up about how you feel. Should you or a family member or friend be considering suicide or have any mental illness, there are a number of organizations out there, including Lifeline, that can talk you through the issues that you are going through and hopefully help you see ways through such a dark time.