Accepting Twenty18 …

Another year.

Good bye 2018.

Reminiscing years ago…


Deadly conversations plagued her mind.

She was at war with her demons once again. When wasn’t she… the darkness had finally consumed her and took its toll. How she wanted it all to end. – Wondering if this would be the last time on earth if executed properly… Nevertheless she took to the internet and typed “how to commit suicide” in the search engine – the pages led to helplines.

To no avail did she want to ask for help.

This time in order for it to work she scoured all through the house for pills adding to them a concoction of alcohol.

There was no turning back now…

Swallowing all the despair,

Swallowing the shame,

Swallowing the disappointments,

Swallowing the failures,

Swallowing all the mistakes she had ever made…

She did not want to burden anyone anymore!!!


She left letters to all her loved ones because she didn’t want to be the one that dies and it couldn’t be explained. Knowing that those before her did not leave any messages what so ever – leaving the family and friends wanting answers. And leaving a void like a mystery never solved. Remember that if you commit suicide it not only affects you but also those that around and also to those that love you. So many people love you… To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.

Drifting slowly into a heavy sleep. The only memories was that the paramedic had told her to stay awake and she couldn’t. Hours later she had awakened – looking around there were Doctors and Nurses – very parched … she couldn’t get far as she was hooked up to an iv and a stint.

She was told that she would be moved to another hosp. she drifted into another heavy sleep again. Forgetting the time that went by. In and out of consciousness… as more days had passed awakened once again to a nurse sitting outside her door monitoring her in the Isolated ward PICU – Psychiatric intensive care units…

Psychiatric intensive care units

Psychiatric intensive care units provide mental health care and treatment for people whose acute distress, absconding risk and suicidal or challenging behaviour needs a secure environment beyond that which can normally be provided on an open psychiatric ward. Placed in low stimuli environment where they were no phones, strings and any other harmful substances that one may conspire and end their your life with. Foam chairs fake cutlery fake grass… Not like being in restraint like the pysch wards in America portray it to be: straight jackets like in American Horror Story. There are many stigmas and stereotypes.

Here in Australia there are different places for one to heal and recuperate in a safe place they are what is aforementioned the PICU, acute ward, extended treatment + rehab.

Terms and conditions of these wards are as follows:

Acute ward

The Mental Health Service provides assessment, treatment and support to people who have a mental illness. Services are provided depending on individual need and ranges from inpatient treatment to support in the community.

Acute inpatient services support people who cannot be assessed and treated safely and effectively in the community. General hospitals commonly provide acute inpatient services.

Acute inpatient services provide a range of therapeutic interventions and programs to patients and their families to learn more about the impact of the illness, explore ways to better manage the illness, improve coping strategies and move towards recovery.

All of the age-based mental health services – adult (16–64), child and adolescent (0–18) and aged persons (over 64) – also provide acute inpatient services for people who cannot be assessed and treated safely and effectively in the community.

These services provide voluntary and compulsory short-term treatment and care during an acute phase of mental illness.

Admission to an acute inpatient unit depends on the severity of the symptoms, the distress involved to the person and the risk of harm to self or others.

Acute Care Team (1300 MH CALL)

1300 MH CALL (1300 64 2255) 24-hour Specialist Mental Health Care

  • Advice
  • Referrals
  • Crisis
  • Support.Access and availabilityReferrals can be made via telephone or in person during business hours at Ashmore Community Mental Health.
  • Our team : The Gold Coast Mental Health Acute Care Team (ACT) provides the primary triage / intake role for people aged between 18–64 years 24 hours, 7 days a week.
  • Your first point of contact for the Gold Coast Mental Health service providing education, support, information, advice, and referral. Our mobile assertive outreach crisis response team offers a range of short term options tailored to meet individual needs.
  • Consultant Psychiatrists
  • Consumer and Carer Consultant
  • Psychiatric Registrars
  • Psychiatric Nurses
  • Social Workers
  • Occupational Therapists
  • Psychologists
  • Indigenous Mental Health Worker
  • Administration Officers.

Extended treatment – continuing care

Extended Treatment Mental Health is an inpatient mental health facility with 16 single bedrooms providing specialised sub-acute care to people between the ages of 18 and 65 that have an enduring mental illness requiring prolonged treatment and further stabilisation following an acute episode.

The unit prepares people for discharge into the community or coordinates transfer to the Extended Rehabilitation Service. Client referrals are received from the Acute Adult Mental Health Units as well as from the Extended Rehabilitation Unit.


Rehabilitation Services

The Rehabilitation service is comprised of:

40 rehabilitation beds at Robina

32 rehabilitation beds at GCUH

Specialist Mobile (In reach) Rehabilitation Assessment Team

Community Rehabilitation Program

Outpatient services.

Robina Hospital

RH2S: 20 bed rehabilitation unit – stroke, neurological and orthopedics

RH2E: 20 bed general rehabilitation unit – stroke, neurological and orthopedics.


Gold Coast University Hospital

C5E: 28 bed neurological rehabilitation unit

C5W: 4 beds located within the Neurology unit – stroke rehabilitation

Rehabilitation Assessment Team: A multidisciplinary team providing assessment and commence rehabilitation intervention in the acute setting prior to the patient being either transferred to a designated rehabilitation bed or discharged home with the support of the Community Rehabilitation Program or other community based service.

Community Rehabilitation program provides a multidisciplinary community based rehabilitation program, delivered in the patient’s home or at the Robina Health Precinct. The benefits of providing rehabilitation care in the patient’s home include that people tend to be happier in their own environment and more likely to engage in rehabilitation exercises (e.g. walking, stair climbing) and social activity.

Rehabilitation outpatient services are provided through medical clinics, allied health ambulatory care services and specialist rehabilitation services at Robina Health Precinct, GCUH and some other community sites.

There she met many people. You can never judge a book by its cover. She came upon this…

She spent three weeks in a mental hospital and what i discovered there i feel should be put into words

We are not who you think we are…

The boy with turrets told the funniest jokes

The girl who raked her nails up and down her skin could create the most exquisite drawings

The girl who abused drugs had the wisest soul

The boy with schizophrenia had the biggest heart

The girl who tried to kill herself told the boy with insomnia stories to help lure him to sleep

The boy who wanted to kill himself had the deepest passion for cooking

The girl with slits and scars all over her body dried my tears and told me i was beautiful

The boy with anger issues gave the warmest hugs

The girl with bulimia told everyone every day that they looked beautiful in their bodies

The boy who was a compulsive lair told us that he wanted us all to get better, and that he was for once telling the truth

The girl who almost drank herself to death stood up for anyone that felt they were feeling bullied

The boy with social anxiety made sure nobody sat alone at meals

We are not who you think we are…

That they are not defined by their mental illness… It only is a part of them.


Back to the story her first ever admission… she drifted into a heavy sleep again. It was as if …

You know when those times you have woken up and feel heavy – but have not recollection of what you dreamt… she had the delusion that it was spirits weighing her down. But that is another story for another day. What she didn’t know was that if you take your own life – it is murder. So she was placed on an ITO (involuntary treatment order) and that you belong under the care of the government. Upon researching + please click the link if you want to know about the legislations ITOs and the Mental Health Act 2016 … …

CTRL + Click with mouse ….

Involuntary Treatment Order.

Mental Health Act 2016.

In the nothingness of the time she spent r.e.m. she had a vivid dream that in the midst of darkness there was light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes people resented themselves because they had survived – others had a new lease on life … years went by and she had met a man on the bus. On her journey he had told her that drugs and his life style had messed him up. He overdosed and survived many other attempts – he really wanted to die but escaped death many times. He had a lot of resentment – he wanted to die. How could this be and why was he still here – were constant question he had asked. It is said that people who have attempted suicide have said they regretted their decision as soon as they jumped. Apparently after taking their life that 1 second they regret committing the act. Struggles are required in order to survive life because in order to stand up you got to know what falling down in like. When we take in a person’s pain like it’s your own then we can transform the systems that are failing us. Unfortunately with every action there are negative consequences with this is the Suicide Contagion or the Werthers Effect – courtesy of google. What does “suicide contagion” mean, and what can be done to prevent it? Suicide contagion is the exposure to suicide or suicidal behaviors within one’s family, one’s peer group, or through media reports of suicide and can result in an increase in suicide and suicidal behaviors. Direct and indirect exposure to suicidal behavior has been shown to precede an increase in suicidal behavior in persons at risk for suicide, especially in adolescents and young adults. The risk for suicide contagion as a result of media reporting can be minimized by factual and concise media reports of suicide. Reports of suicide should not be repetitive, as prolonged exposure can increase the likelihood of suicide contagion. Suicide is the result of many complex factors; therefore media coverage should not report oversimplified explanations such as recent negative life events or acute stressors. Reports should not divulge detailed descriptions of the method used to avoid possible duplication. Reports should not glorify the victim and should not imply that suicide was effective in achieving a personal goal such as gaining media attention. In addition, information such as hotlines or emergency contacts should be provided for those at risk for suicide. Following exposure to suicide or suicidal behaviors within one’s family or peer group, suicide risk can be minimized by having family members, friends, peers, and colleagues of the victim evaluated by a mental health professional. Persons deemed at risk for suicide should then be referred for additional mental health services. Similarly – the Werthers Effect is when a spike of emulation suicides after a widely publicized suicide is known as the Werther effect, following Goethe’s novel The Sorrows of Young Werther. The publicized suicide serves as a trigger, in the absence of protective factors, for the next suicide by a susceptible or suggestible person. It is a copycat suicide which is defined as an emulation of another suicide that the person attempting suicide knows about either from local knowledge or due to accounts or depictions of the original suicide on television and in other media.

Remember not to make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings or emotions. Suicide is a permanent decision. Even on some good days – you may still have suicidal tendencies or self-harm. It takes at least 6 weeks for broken bones to heal. It can take 12 weeks to recover from a major episode of mental illness. Of all the darkest days you have lived and survived. Why now… why now would you want to die. To be in that mindset – I know it’s a battle that you fight everyday but know this there are far far better things ahead than any you leave behind – C.S. Lewis. You can overcome and conqueror the demons. It does get exhausting and sometimes you feel defeated and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel – hence tunnel vision. There having the notion that a good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything. Smiling and laughing can have a positive effect on your well-being. You can start over each day. With each day neurogenesis is the process by which new neurons are formed in the brain.

Don’t lose faith – faith in which all things will work together for your good and don’t lose hope because there is hope in recovery. It is said that strength is found in the moments where you seem you can’t go on… You are strong. Yes you may be persecuted, but you are not forsaken, you may be cast down and not destroyed. There are blessings and curses life and death – always choose life. You are destined for better things and your mess becomes a message. A beacon of hope to those that are contemplating such. Don’t let the suicide contagion and the Werthers Effect assure you that you can kill yourself because that famous person or someone in your life did.

Overtime she learnt how to be resilient. At times people break down & it’s okay not to be okay. However it is not okay to stay that way. Train yourself to be your best on your worst days. Implementing self-care for not only your physical but mental health. You are not alone in your despair – trust me you are not alone. Sometimes it is hard to reach out and ask for help. Especially in times when you are under duress, Overthinking and having self-sabotaging thoughts, it just adds more fuel to the fire -Making it even worst. Another example as if walking on eggs shells or mine fields every day. With all these things added sometimes you can’t shake it off. This is where you must teach yourself self-care. That’s on another blog post. If you need to know some refer to CTRL + Click with mouse : Toolbox Twenty 17 – At Her Arsenal . Apply as many strategies in your tool box / arsenal + Distractions … so that if one method does not work you have other options. Try to have a routine and a sense of purpose.. Why be moody when you can shake your booty? For instance exercise produces endorphins feel good chemicals and is good serotonin and lessen cortisol … Also mindfulness, mediation just to name a few… Every time you have a bad day try something new to get better. Don’t give up because it looks bad right now… Just because you have had a bad day does not mean that you have a bad life. Every day may not be good but there is something good in every day.

You still have your best life yet … maybe that’s an affirmation you can say to yourself every day. Little by little – one step at a time – one day at a time – one travels far… Learn to see and appreciate your progress. One of the reasons why some people end up quitting is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have gotten. Often discouraged – congratulate and remind yourself that you aren’t where you use to be that eventually you will be where you are supposed to be.

Everyone knows something you don’t know. Surround yourself with people that get it. Those that push you to be better and greater. To those that understand …

Don’t lose hope because there is a time for everything and whatever the situation that you are in this too shall pass.

Ecclesiastes 3

For everything there is an appointed time,

and an appropriate time for every activity on earth:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

time to plant, and a time to uproot what was planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to search, and a time to give something up as lost; 8

a time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to rip, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silent, and a time to speak.

A time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.


She had lived many seasons – remember life is full of seasons. Every year learning a lot of things. This is what she learnt … walking away from 2018 with lessons, strategies, mantras and memories of people she’ll never forget. Over the years – In and out of hospital 8 times: She had survived having had an array of different antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, medications for side effects, meetings with mental health care professionals and there were many therapies.

Finding that:

Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be

recovery. – J.K. .

This year she learnt with the help of a psychologist – Acceptance commitment therapy (ACT).

The goal of ACT is to create a rich and meaningful life, while accepting the pain that inevitably goes with it. ACT is a good abbreviation, because this therapy is about taking effective action guided by our deepest values and in which we are fully present and engaged. It is only through mindful action that we can create such a life, we will encounter all sorts of barriers in the form of unpleasant and unwanted private experiences (thoughts, images, feelings, sensations, urges and memories. ACT reaches mindfulness kills as an effective way to handle these private experience.

The ACT interventions focus around two main processes:

  1. Developing acceptance of unwanted private experiences which are out of personal control.
  2. Commitment and action toward living a valued life.

There are 6 core principles of ACT. ACT uses six core principles to help clients develop psychological flexibility:

  1. Cognitive defusion: (watch your thinking) learning to perceive thoughts images memories and the cognitions as what they are nothing more than bits of language, words and pictures – as opposed to what they can appear to be – threatening events, rules must be obeyed, objective truth and facts
  2. Acceptance: (open up) making room for unpleasant feelings, sensations, urges and other private experiences allowing them to come and go without struggling with them running from them or giving them undue attention.
  3. Contact with the present moment: (be here now) bringing full awareness to you’re here and now experience, with openness, interest and receptiveness, focus on and engaging fully in whatever you are doing.
  4. The observing self: (pure awareness) accessing a transcend sense of self: a continuing of consciousness that is unchanging, ever present and impervious to harm. From this perspective it is possible to experience directly that you are not your thoughts, feelings, memories, urges, sensations, images, roles, or physical body. These phenomena change constantly and are peripheral aspects to you but they are not they essence for who you are.
  5. Values: (know what matters) clarifying what is most important, deep in heart what sort of person you want be: what is significant and meaningful to you; and what you stand for in this life
  6. Committed Action: (Do what it takes) setting goals, guided by your values and taking effective action to achieve them.

As she continually beat herself up with thinking the way that she had. Sometimes afraid to think – as she constantly questioned herself… Many questions like why does she think the way she does – why has she thought that way? ACT had helped her more than you will ever know. That she has accepted her thoughts whether they may be good or bad. For it is what it is. Also to agree to disagree with the voices havocking her mind. She now knows and acknowledges acceptance as means opening up and making room for painful feelings, sensations, urges and emotions. We drop the struggle with them, give them some breathing space, and allow them to be as they are. Instead of fighting them, resisting them, running from them or getting overwhelmed by them, we open up to them and let them be. (Note: This doesn’t mean liking them or wanting them. I simply means making room for them!). We see our thoughts for what they are – nothing more or less than words or picture. She had found that there are many outlets that one may peruse in trying understand why it is this way in regards to her mental health and having a mental illness. She was interested in Psychology, Neuroscience, self-help books and personal development books.

One of the most important lesson she learned in the past year is don’t let anyone turn you cruel no matter how bad you want to give the world a taste of its own bitter medicine. It’s never worth losing yourself over. Get better not bitter. Treat the world better than it treated you. Your words are a Mirror – What we say about others reflects on our own character. Specifically, when we speak unfavourably of others, it not only hurts the person our words are aimed at, but it also damages our credibility and reputation in the process. Richard Carlson put it this way: ” When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.” When we speak negatively about someone else, others often perceive it as a ploy for our own personal gain. When our words persuade others to our point of view as to the faults and shortcomings of someone who is not present, we are taking unfair advantage of that person. This holds true whether we’re talking about an individual, a group, or a business. Comes from the Little Things Matter. You can’t please everybody… Some people will love you for who you are. Some people will love you for what you can do for them and some people won’t like you at all. You do you do. Give them something to talk about. People are going to talk about you whether you are dead or alive, succeeding or failing, at your highest high and lowest low. Talk is cheap when it’s not spoken in love, don’t let reckless lips bring your value down. Don’t worry about other people’s opinions. Let people judge and let them misunderstood you. So have fun and give them something to talk about. Why they think of you isn’t’ your problem. So you stay kind mitted to love and free in your authenticity and no matter what they do or say. Never doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. You keep shining and let the haters hate. Just don’t let someone else’s opinion of you become a reality. When you know who you are other people opinions do not matter.

No one can make you inferior without your consent, – Eleanor Roosevelt.

Never take it personally. Words of others do not have to affect you.

Acceptance of your self is far more important than the acceptance of others. There is phrase don’t hate what you don’t understand… People have different levels of understanding. Listen to the intent to understand not just to reply. Always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God. Also see through the eyes of compassion and speak with the language of love. Also to have a heart that is understanding. God please give us courage to accept the things for what they are, but to never lose hope that things will get better.

Her heart cries out for those that have taken their lives… The future that they could of had… Now unknown. How she wished she could have saved them all. Some people are fighting a battle that we do not know about. Be kind to everyone. People often think people who had committed suicide that they are just a waste of a life. She hated seeing when people say suicide is a waste of a life. Nah what was wasted was the chance to ask if they were OK, or to be told they were loved. Though we can’t prevent every suicide, we can damn stop leaving it till it’s too late to listen to each other.

We cannot grow unless we are willing to change. You are what you do and not what you say you will do/ Actions speak louder than words. Don’t act a certain way because it’s convenient or is the path of least resistance. Act a certain way because it aligns with your values and because it’s consistent with the person you aspire to be. Anything is possible and anyone can change and evolve in their situation. Everyone’s Journey is different. Appreciate where you are in your journey. Even if it’s not where you want to be every season serves a purpose. Tell the story of the mountain you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone’s survival guide. – Morgan Harper Nichols. You can achieve awesome things. Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, remember how far you have come. You may not be able to control every situation and its outcome, but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it. She learned that silence just lets things fester for a long time – that if things get bad you need to speak up about how you feel. Should you or a family member or friend be considering suicide or have any mental illness, there are a number of organizations out there, including Lifeline, that can talk you through the issues that you are going through and hopefully help you see ways through such a dark time.



Toolbox Twenty17 – At her arsenal …

Even with her safe guards in place the weapons of her welfare and war fare sometimes failed…


She had to learn more tactics like drawing new battle plans built for the war raging within her:


Where missiles were deployed.

Every time she thought…

The very facet of her brain shook…

As if an EMP had disabled her.


H e r e   i s   w h a t   i s   i n   h e r   t o o l b o x ?



We heartit



Reading psych books

Muscle relaxation

Diaphragmatic breathing

Deep breathing exercise

Deep Water running

Aqua Aerobics

Listening and singing to music

Whilst Drinking Coffee – mindfulness

Realistic goals (SMART)

Don’t be too hard on yourself



Uke, Guitar, Drum, Piano


Talking to people/venting

Shared reality/own reality

Sensory modulation





Deep breathing

Talking to others




Playing a musical instrument

Learn something new

Doing it yourself projects



Brainstorm ideas

Listening to music

Writing in my book

Blog – wordpress



Going on Adventures


Everyone is different – so what might work for me might not work out for you. It is important to seek creative outlets, try different hobbies and put yourself out there. Live life really live it! Paint, draw, doodle, read, sing, knit, craft, build, act, cook, photograph, dive, climb, go wild. More detailed singing in the shower, the car or at karaoke bar can release feel good endorphins which can reduce stress, boost immunity, serotonin and dopamine. You can make cortisol (stress) your friend. There are many apps that you can choose to do mindfulness for example the HeadSpace App & Stop, Breathe, Think App. Just start doing something anything etc. Find an activity you love -something that interests you. Find your purpose.

“Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.” – Joseph Addison

You were made to stay – to live a story of hope, to live a story of victory. There is more to life for example family, friends, a rewarding job, good health and see new things. So embrace adversity,make failure and trying new things a regular part of your life. Nothing great ever came out of comfort zones. So face the fear and do it anyway. None of us has any idea what’s coming and hopefully it will be worth it.

Balance is the key to a healthy wellbeing. By having a Routine and Structure in one’s day gives a sense of purpose. Little by little one travels far. Take it one day at a time and make little goals for the day.  Use a time chart – titled leisure, work, play, sleep.

Sleep Hygiene is also important. insomnia or any sleepless night isn’t great as one can send someone over the edge or really mad –  resulting in the dreaded overthinking, depressive rumination and the many self-sabotaging thoughts has during this time.

Here are some tips:

  • Go to bed when you are actually really sleepy as no nap in the day rule is administered.
  • Caffeine is a stimulant and can disrupt sleep.
  • If you urinate at night try to walking to the toilet without opening your eyes.
  • Listen to music in bed to help you fall asleep.
  • Many people find it useful to have a set routine of pre-bed activities.

Leisure. Play. Work.

  • Plan your day: ensure I do not have long periods of with nothing to do.
  • Think about how you are feeling and be realistic about what you can achieve.
  • Look up, get perspective, stretch or shift your body.
  • The motto – why be moody when you can shake your booty.
  • Exercise produces Endorphins, serotonin, vitamin D, dopamine and oxytocin. Helps reduce Cortisol.
  • Do what makes you happy & what interest you.
  • Get out of bed. Have a bath.
  • Go outside – Get some Vitamin D.
  • Set a goal for yourself. SMART Goals. Set goals that are important to you.
  • Set priorities and task for the day.
  • For example : Drink water, take a shower, wash your face – sometimes the little things add up. Take care of you.
  • Do something nice for yourself days.

Sometimes these things can be tedious and arduous tasks particularly when you are not in the mood to do so.  As shown in the following real-life self-care tips from a person who has been there.


by catsrus – Tumblr

i fucking hate self care posts made by neurotypicals so here’s one from someone who Actually Gets It

-can’t shower or take a bath? me either. dry shampoo can make your hair look and feel cleaner, and baby wipes or makeup wipes work great to get the top layer of grime off your skin.

-can’t wash your sheets and make your bed? i feel you. push your blankets out of the way and shake the crumbs off your sheet. it will at least be a bit more comfortable.

-can’t even change out of your dirty pajamas? been there. hit yourself with some febreeze and a lint roller. if you can, brush your hair. if you can’t, hair ties and bobby pins are fantastic.

-can’t make anything to eat? same. if you can, there’s no shame in ordering food. in fact, it’s probably better you eat something rather than go hungry. if you can’t, try and find something that comes pre-made or takes minimal effort to make. at the very least, drink some water.

can’t respond to messages or reach out for help? yeah, i get that. set an alarm for a few hours from now and respond to any messages you need to once you’ve given yourself time to prepare. if they’re Important Messages that need Professional Responses, you can find fill-in-the-blank format rough drafts on google. as far as personal messages go, don’t feel bad for sending a mass “I’m sorry, I’m in a personal emergency right now. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” response to everyone.

-can’t even sleep because it’s so bad? asmr videos always knock me out, personally, but i also watch a lot of bob ross. just try to find something quiet and soothing to use as background noise and take your mind off it, or at least give you a more peaceful environment to think about it.

-can’t go for a walk/drive? try opening the blinds or curtains. you’re still exposing yourself to the outside world. baby steps. (i also play animal crossing or sims; it may be virtual but fuck it. i went on a walk.)

-can’t go into work/school? let people know. let your coworkers or classmates know it’s an emergency and you can’t make it. give yourself up to two days, but then you have to go back. ask to have your work emailed to you so you know what you missed.

-can’t brush your teeth and wash your face? makeup or baby wipes and gum or mouthwash. don’t let yourself physically rot bc you’re rotting emotionally.

-remember that you’ve been here before. if you survived then you can survive now. that’s what this is about- survival. you don’t have to be living your Best Life. right now, it’s more than enough that you’re alive.

  • POSTED 25 JANUARY 2017 WITH 98,125 NOTES

Sometimes just getting up and breathing today is all you did today and that is great. You are not lazy being depressed or have a mental illness. Mental illness it can suck the living daylights out of you. Drink water, take a shower, wash your face – sometimes the little things add up. Celebrate the small victories even if it’s the little things. Take care of you. Practice self-care and personal development and see it as always a work in progress. Self-care is not selfish. If you stumble make it apart of the dance.

Have a toolbox that you can draw upon in times when feeling stressed, overwhelmed, when mental state is at boiling point and even on the good days.

Know your triggers and alert support network – when are getting unwell. Don’t ever think asking for help is a weakness – it is not. Asking for help is hard and it is not a sign of weakness. Know that you are not alone.

Leaf. C clearly stated that you can get the chaos in your mind under control.

By keeping busy, having distractions and employing what’s in your toolbox is the best way to keep mental health healthy along with taking medication, attending doctor’s appointments and having a balance of all these. little by little one travels far. J.R. Tolkien. Take it step by step so don’t over exert yourself leading you to worry or stress more about things. Let the Distractions – keep busy and you won’t have to result in overthinking or depressive rumination. Choose to use language that serves you and become a metaphor master. There are many ways to distinguish unhealthy thinking styles We all have self-sabotaging thoughts, at times overthinking..

Apparently, we have 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day.

If I had a penny for my thoughts then I would be rich. 98 percent of them are exactly the same as the day before – habitual thinking.

80% of our thought are negative.

We have the potential to transform ourselves by changing our habits of the mind. We have the power to change – more positive everyone wins. Positive emotions make us more resilient.

Resilience – Our natural, inborn ability to cope and recover – including bouncing back – from significant adversity and live as happy and healthy life as possible, our emotions affect our long-term well-being.

Research shows that experiencing positive emotions in a 3 to 1 ratio with negative ones leads to a tipping point beyond which we naturally become more resilient to adversity and better able to achieve things.

This is where it all begins – change your thinking change your life!  Make your thoughts work for you and not against you. Don’t make a permanent decision for your temporary emotional / feeling. Not all things are necessarily bad and not all things are necessarily good but it is in the thinking that makes it so.

On the contrary – Set goals that are important to you. Goals are dreams with deadlines. Make small goals everyday – once a day your future self would thank you for. A long-term goal – Get well. Get out of hospital. Stay out of hospital. Stay well. Make little challenges. Say hello to 3 people a day. That help us to stay well. Help other people – You are blessed so you can bless others. Surround yourself with people that see your greatness. Have an attitude of gratitude. Questioning every day what are you grateful for?

Try to affirm yourself. That everything will work together for your good. That there is hope in recovery. You are not alone and there is help available. In this book there are about 100 affirmations that you can use

You can customise some of these affirmations that can be found on The science of affirmations from The Emotion Machine by Steven Handel. Link is below…

Use post its or a journal and you can even use alarm on your phone. If you don’t like journaling just make up a one-word sentence to affirm yourself or even a life lesson that you learnt and help you get through the day.

You have an extraordinary ability to determine, achieve and maintain optimal levels of intelligence, mental health, peace and happiness, as well as the prevention of disease in your body and mind. You can, through conscious effort, gain control of your thoughts and feelings and in doing so, you can change the programming and chemistry of your brain. –Leaf.C. Switch on your brain book.

You can get the chaos in your mind under control.

Now you have more arsenal for your toolbox …

use them when you need them…

Lessons Learnt – Twenty16

Wow how fast has the year gone.

8months later from my last post…

There were many lessons to be learnt this year.


One learnt how to manage things better each time I fall knowing where I stand every time. Although sometimes this backfires but each time when this happens I gain and learn a new perspective or lesson to become a better me.

There is this adage you fall seven times stand up eight. And know that it is okay to fail. With that in mind when learning this lesson you can be more resilient whenever you have to battle it out again. Know that you then have room to grow for  your personal development and for the greater good. Realise you are human and you make mistakes. And you can’t control everything. You need to understand that you are doing the best that you can. Don’t blame yourself once again. Keep trying. And that’s enough.

Don’t compare and despair as comparison is the thief of joy. Your journey and what you learn along the way is different from other people. So focus on you – Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t and start loving yourself for everything you already are.  You need to ignore what everyone else is doing and achieving. Your life is about breaking your own limits and outgrowing yourself to live your best life. You are not in competition with anyone else; plan to outdo your past, not other people. Become a better you. Focus on being a better you. Show the light that emanates within in you and take the time out for yourself.

I hope you realise that every sunrise you wake up to, gives you another chance to forgive people and be a better person. Don’t waste it.  There is always a brand new day as the darkest of nights will end and the sun will rise. Rather than seeing your problems as problems see them as blessings in disguise and that is what they will become.  The happiest people do not have the best of everything they make the best of everything with what they have.  You have the choice to be happy. Joseph Addison suggested three grand essentials to happiness in this life something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

There are always going to be good days and bad days. So trust assuredly that there is hope in recovery. Everyday may not be good but there is something good in everyday. You may not see it but remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes I get anxious as a lovely social worker once said to me feel the fear and do it anyway. Being complacent is great but there has to be a time when you have to get out of your comfort zone.  You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of Insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come it. – Benjamin Mee. Once you done that congratulations (hi five or self pat on the back) because it took you that much will power to do the things that you had to do – particularly when you have anxiety, depression or lack motivation most commonly known with people who have a mental illness. So never underestimate yourself, you are so strong! Just think that you have survived another day… Strength grows in the moments when you think you can’t go on but you keep going anyway or as Dory would say keep on swimming, swimming, swimming – since I am a mermaid lol…

Believe that things will get better. Sometimes you have to fight the worst in life to get to your best life now. As Mark twain quotes the two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.

You have a purpose.

You are called to greatness.

You are set apart.


You were created to make a difference.

But know this you can’t please everybody. This will always forever be for me a lesson I am learning each and every day. Don’t try to be a people pleaser – be who you are. I was reading once if you try to be a people pleaser you have no time to live for yourself. So dare to be yourself – be who you are not what the world tells you, say what you feel and those people who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind – Dr Seuss. Rita Mae Brown adamantly states that some people will love for who you are, some people will love you for what you do for them and then there are those that don’t like you at all. If they don’t then that is not your problem or your business – what they think of you.  Food for thought even if this is so you can try to be nice ad try to believe the best in others regardless of this. As a schizophrenic I hear many voices and they can hear my thoughts – I am only human and sometimes I think the wrong things. I also learnt that you don’t have to believe everything you think about what is inside your head. Sometimes I really get paranoid because of the internal dialogue I have. Know this I am not the only person inside my head and sometimes the negative reinforcement of oscillations imposed in my way of thinking is pernicious and mostly detrimental to my state of mind and my emotions also. For instance I question did I really say that. I can’t really explain I will explain it in another blog post. Well I am still learning that if you don’t learn to shut the voices (negative ones)them out now they will forever haunt you living rent free in your head. So don’t listen to them the voices that is especially when it’s negative. There is this 5 year and 5 minute rule if it doesn’t affect you in 5 years why spend 5 minutes worrying about it. Or take the Must read the following advice:


Few years down the road by R.L.

Few years down the road,

You won’t remember why

You cried tonight.


Few years down the road,

The person bothering you now

Won’t be a problem anymore.


Few years down the road,

You won’t remember the pain

You’ve to put through

To study this test.


So if few years down the road,

These things won’t

Affect you anymore,

Why let them affect you



Be kind to everyone you meet for they may be fighting a battle that we know nothing about. Sometimes a smile, saying hello, asking how people are or complimenting them can go a long long way. For instance they may be having a bad day, or they want to end their life that day and just a kind gesture from someone might stop them from killing themselves.

If you were thinking about attempting suicide:

This is a sign not to kill yourself!!!!

Never underestimate yourself, you are so strong! Just think that you have survived another day… Strength grows in the moments when you think you can’t go on but you keep going anyway.



There are so many people that you haven’t met yet, places to go, places to see and more…

More sleep

More music

More tea

More books

More sunsets

More creating

More long walks

More laughter

More hugs

More dreaming

More road trips

More fun

More love


You’ll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living, breathing, screaming invitation to believe better things. – Jamie Tworkowski. No man is an island and as I said earlier you are not alone. So surround yourself with people that can see your greatness and support you in good and bad times and even the in betweens. Having great support is essential. there is still a lot of stigma relating to that of mental illness due to this the person may isolate themselves, not ask for help and not receive medicine and therapy  that is need for their recovery plan and they suffer in silence. To those that have great support express gratitude towards them. Yes express gratitude… So everyday I have will ask myself what am I grateful for and write them in my journal or on Twitter/blog. Because you should be grateful for what you have as one day the little things end up being biggest and important things. Most of all I will tell my lovely family that I love them everyday because life is short and you never know when you are going to die. So make the most of everything.  Again the happiest people make the most of what they have.

Fall in love with yourself and believe in yourself because if you don’t… then who will? Affirmations are great for this. For instance one positive thought in the morning can set the tone for the day. Also by repeating or speaking these affirmations then you will finally believe it and your attitude changes. Having a bad attitude is no good and doesn’t serve anyone. Example of affirmations used…


I’m starting over with…

A new pattern of thoughts.

A New wave of emotions.

A new connection to the world

A new belief system in myself.


I will celebrate the small victories in my life and stay motivated by them.


Remember that you’re reason for doing this is to make your life better.


I sincerely hope that everyone finds happiness in their lives.


Most of the time there is nothing to fear.


When life gets tough, I can persist.


I will make the most of this situation.


I will see through eyes of compassion. Speak with the language of love. – Rumi


Think big + work hard. Fail fast, but be resilient. See possibility +grab it. Inspire. Help. Teach. Learn. Remember where you started and where you want to go.


Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. – Albert Einstein


You can make up your own too…

For more affirmations find it in Steve Handel book – The Science of Self-Affirmations.

By doing this you are able to change your words and therefore change your life…


Chopping Board Series: Caramelised Banana, Blueberry and Strawberries Waffles…


Source Fresh Living – 14 November 2004 , Page 42 Recipe by Alison Roberts


40g unsalted butter

1/2 cup (100g) brown sugar

4 bananas, peeled, sliced



100ml cream

4 waffles

Optional: Vanilla ice cream, to serve


Step 1

Stir 10g of the butter and 2 tablespoons of the brown sugar in a frying pan over a low heat. Add the banana and cook, turning for 2-3 minutes or until golden. Set aside.

Step 2

Add the cream and remaining sugar and butter to the pan and stir over low heat until melted. Simmer for 5-10 minutes or until thickens. Set aside.

Step 3

Toast the waffles. Top with the ice cream, strawberries, blueberries and bananas and caramel sauce.

Optional – Ice Cream

Throwback 2015…

It was an eventful 2015 despite been in hospital for most of the year. having had two admissions for several months in acute, extended treatment and rehab wards for paranoid/treatment resistant schizophrenia. she went through another psychotic attack known as psychosis where her safety was questioned. What seemed real in her head was not the reality of everyone else but wasn’t that for every schizophrenic who had hallucinations and delusions.

With an inquisitive mind she was always questioning how things came to be and trying to understand bringing her to back to this quote:

Understanding is the first step to acceptance and only with acceptance can there be recovery. – J.K Rowling.

Many times rejecting the concept that she was a schizophrenic but this wasn’t so this time round. She had the symptoms and was diagnosed as schizophrenic.

realising that having a mental illness…

It’s not all of you

It’s just apart of you

Your illness does not define you

You are so much more than that

Going to many groups that were set up in hospital she learned a lot. Wanting to thank the people who taught the classes. Even though her thoughts were broadcasted. Some days  were better than others. With many group sessions like Acceptance Commitment therapy, mindfulness, art, cognitive behaviour therapy, Tai chi, gym sessions, music, hope and recovery groups, cooking and even budgeting it helped her how to manage herself trying not to break anymore egg shells.


She had to be careful trying not to tread on egg shells. Somedays were bearable more than others. She was sorry for what she thought. After all it was one thing to speak it another to put action behind it. Didn’t action speak louder than words.
Through all these classes, the books that she read and meeting people in different states of mind some more stable than others hoping that they would get better than when they first got there to hospital helped her

Learn that…

With a new day comes new strength and new thoughts. Every morning is a brand new day. when you wake up baby nerve cells are born inside your brain to use wisely as you try to remove bad thoughts and rewire new ones. In neuroscience this is called neurogenesis – Leaf, switch in your brain book.

Many wished she was dead… Deep within was she kidding herself… There was more to her than met the eye. There was pain that she only thought could be understood by her…. until she read and was told about others their stories of ones that lived to conquer their demons and ones that unfortunately died by committing suicide. It seemed to her that if she could end her life would the things that haunted her follow. But she reassured herself that suicide is not a temporary solution it is permanent and that was it… there was no chance of living at all and trying to make things better. She wanted to know Could she reignite the embers that once lit her soul for sometimes darkness engulfed the very essence of her. But she remembered that the light always extinguished the darkness and the darkness could not overcome or comprehend it. Then it made sense to her that on the darkest of nights that stars shine the brightest.

That some people will love you for who you are, some will love you for what you can do for them and some won’t even like like you at all. – Rita Mae Brown

Always getting bombarded with the voices telling her to commit suicide – she chose to listen to her heart above all the voices.

That comparison is the thief of joy. Knowing that everyone’s journey is different.

Speak when your words are beautiful than the silence.

Some days you have to create your own sunshine as no matter the weather you should bring your own sunshine.

That some things are outside of your control.

What’s meant to be will always find a way. Where there is a will there is a way.

Hoping that 2016 will be better suffice to say 2015.

She learned a lot about others in different human conditions, herself and how to manage her schizophrenia better.

A party in the storm…

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…it’s about learning to dance in the rain. – Vivian Greene

Imagining as if a party took place


The thunder clasps and roars 

The lighting flashes

Taking snapshots 

The rain acting like confetti bursting out from clouds in the sky. 

And when the clouds clear the stars twinkle brightly after the storm has gone.